The mind

Oops, I forgot about livejournal! Like the rest of the world.

I hate when people other than me have to move away. I was raised only knowing one end of it. Joseph leaves for D.C. in about a month. I think its going to be a great thing for him, but that doesn't change the fact that its going to be so bizarre without him here.

This summer I had my first legit job. I had amazing coworkers and felt like I was actually doing something meaningful, despite all the arts and crafts. It sucks that it was a seasonal thing, maybe I'll get a chance to do it again next year. I mean, who doesn't love orientating freshmen?

My family is scattered. Jessie is in Portland, Ryan in Manhattan, Rick is never in one place, and I know Patty wants to move to one of the aforementioned cities. I don't care where I am...I just want to travel. Its so weird that people I know are actually starting careers and lives. Ironically, I've never known what to do with myself less, and I've never been as content with that.

I need school to start again. I need to be passionate about my major again, and I need to see my bfflz again.

Oh, and is it just me or was the Dark Knight not as good the second time?

Right now I'm in a beautiful hotel called 'The Tree House' in Santa Ellena, just outside Monteverde in Costa Rica. I'm not staying here, just paying for internet. We're actually staying at a reserve for the 3 waddled bell bird.

Costa Rica has been amazing. The weather is great, although that means bad things for farmers here. It should be really rainy, instead its clear and gorgous. I think I would feel more comfortable if it were rainy.

My first out of country experience is going really well.

I don't want to leave!

Toni is leaving tomorrow morning. Her side is clean and empty. Its starting to sink in that this year, these 9 months that felt like forever, are coming to a close. Toni was the best possible room mate. I'm going to miss her a lot. I know we've got 3 more years together. All of us. But, the first one is over and the rest are going to fly by. Our innocence is gone, we're growing up. I hate growing up. Ew, I'm going to get mushy.

Question:

In what instance (if any) would you tolerate infidelity?

So I've been avoiding LJ all semester. Partly due to time, and partly due to not wanting to talk about my life.

Lets start with the positive. I've got amazing friends here. We eat, sleep, laugh, cry, and live together. College has redefined friendship and family. I can hate them and love them all in one day. Aspen is the mom. She never drinks, goes to parties once and awhile. Natalia is very motherly too, thats why we are always in their room. Steph is my soulmate. She never partied before college so she gets carried away sometimes. But she makes me feel comfortable being girly, and being a pig. I love it. Lindsey and Sarah are still around. Sarah and I get along so well when its just us. We're perfect opposites and it creates a great dynamic. Ali and Felicia are fabulous in their own ways. I love my college girlies.

I've met a lot of guys. X-Club is full of my brothers. Steven and I fight like siblings, but with a very odd sexual tension that I want to ignore. I feel like Dirk and Chevy and all of them would look after me no matter what was going on. That frat house, as odd as it sounds is like a sanctuary to me. I'm always welcome and I love it.

With all these new friends, I feel like I've had a price to pay. I don't see or even hear from Joseph and Caysie all that much. Its hard to tell if there are ill feelings there, or we're just drifting.

My sorority on the other hand, doesn't make me feel the same way. At first I was creeped out by the whole idea; "eternal sisterhood". I mean, I already have a sister and she is good enough for me. But I got excited to be involved, all the community service, campus events, parties, leadership! Within a couple weeks of initiation I realized it wasn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I can hardly meet someone without an older sister (with good intentions) warning me about someone they dated, or fought with, or some drug they've done. I'm too much of an individual and I want to form my own opinions on people.

Specifically Kanoa. For the record, I met him before I started rushing. He was being set up with Steph by this girl we just met. Steph wasn't feeling it, but we kept hanging out with him because he is so much fun. She called me out on flirting with him one night, and I denied, cause I was preoccupied with the idea of "Spain Boy". After being initiated, I realized Kanoa was the all too hated ex-boyfriend of my big sis' best friend. (For all you non-greeks, thats just bad news over all). I tried to fight my feelings but I couldn't. We kept it on the down low for a couple weeks but it all exploded when I wanted to take him to formal. Now Kiki (the ex) hates my guts and has threatened me. My big is pretty much the same way. The other girls in the sorority don't really seem to care, or aren't telling me. I hang out with him a lot, but nothing is official. I just want to be able to call him my boyfriend. I never want that!

Aside from all the drama, I haven't been my normal self in school. I stopped going to my yoga class all together cause even on a sober night, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed at 7:30. As I type, I'm in my anthropology class. That proves my point that my interest and class participation has gone down. I find myself skimping on papers (I got my first C today), missing class more often, and zoning out like its my job. This happened a lot in high school, but not last semester. My 47,000 dollar a year education can't afford my apathy.

I started partying too much. It started just the weekends, then 3 nights a week, then sometimes 5 or 6. Not too heavy all the time, but none the less, I'm drinking most likely 4 nights a week. Maybe its an escape, maybe its something I need to get out of my system. Whatever it is, its taking over other parts of my life.

I stopped showing up for work study. I don't have another job. I'm flat broke, actually owing money to the bank.

None of this sounds all that happy, but somehow I am. Money should worry me more, but it doesn't. I'll work all summer. As my rich friend's parents start giving them less money, I'll start spending less to keep up with them. The sorority will take care of itself. If I'm not meant to be there, then I'll get kicked out or just become inactive. Kanoa and I will reach a point where we'll either date or stop things all together, as long as I enjoy myself now it will be worth it. Summer will come and go, bringing me closer to my local friends and even my college friends. I just have to get through these next few weeks.

I kind of miss my bed. But this one is so much more comfortable :)

These first couple days of spring break have made me realize a couple of things:

-Transportation is necessary in a city you don't know
-I really don't like rules (i.e. no speeding, no topless bathing, no getting drunk!)
-Hanging out with all girls can suck
-Being in a Sorority can suck when you like a guy
-I really miss josie and caysie

I need to get some serious organization going on. I'm so disheveled. I forget when I have class and work, or I just choose not to go. I never spend any time in my room anymore. It seems like my weeks are defined by when I have to charge my phone, or do laundry. Money goes in and out of my bank account with out me even realizing it. I got my first on-campus write up. I need to straighten my shit up.

I don't live in X club. I'm not even in the effing fraternity. Stop spending your free time there!

If I get it together now, spring break will be that much better. Whats a relaxing week worth if you're always relaxing?

I'm supposed to have to over due josie time today. I hope that works out.

Last night was the first time I wasn't the one getting checked into the hospital. Lindsey had a serious asthma attack, and turns out she has asthmatic bronchitis. I'm usually really aloof, and don't show too much emotion when it comes to my friendships here. But lately I've been realizing they're pretty much all I've got. Granted she wasn't there when I had my mental breakdown, I know she would have been. I'm in a different place right now. Family is important and all, but here, we're each other's family. Your mom won't be at the hospital to tell the nurse your IV is getting infected, your best friend will. Thats a bond that you don't find everyday. I love these girls. Lindsey went home for the week. I know I get really annoyed with her, but the fact still remains she's my best friend. When you spend time away from people you realize those things.

Dad,
Don't marry her. She isn't right for you. You care about her way more than she does you. I know I should be happy for you, but can I really? I see you with that family, and its like I don't even exist. Its like you finally have the son and daughter you always wanted. Three years and he doesn't even take the time to learn my name. I know you and I don't have the best of relationships, but I feel like if you get married, it will be the last straw. Also...where did you get the money for an engagement ring? My college education wants to know.

Boy,
This always happens, so it shouldn't be anything personal. I let myself get vulnerable, and it isn't worth it. So I just get a little more bitter, a little more cautious, and a little more distant. I feel used, and who is to say you don't too. If the timing was better, it could have been something great. Everyone tells me I can do way better, but I just disregard them. Its supposed to be about what I want, right? Well, I don't want this anymore.

You,
Sometimes not picking up a phone call isn't as harmless as you think. I know I'm supposed to be at college and everything, but I just feel neglected. I really can't win in this situation. I stay loyal to you guys and I don't grow or meet new people here. If I socialize here, I lose you guys or so it seems. The fact still remains, I really need a friend the other night, and neither of you were there for me. I wish I atleast knew why.

Alcohol,
I need a break!